Dear Thanksgiving turkey~
Abraham Lincoln is famous for being the 16th president, wearing a dapper stovepipe hat, and freeing the slaves via the emancipation proclamation. He is also famous for setting an official day for mass decimation of your kind in the form of Thanksgiving. By designating that last Thursday of November as a special day of remembrance for our Plymouth brethren, he effectively set out the game plan for your forced servitude and eventual death. As commercialism grew, so did the extermination of your delicious mates. And while you would like to think The National Turkey Federation (which is totally a real thing) would be dedicated to preserving the lives of Turkeys across the land, alas! For their mission is not to spare such gentle creatures but instead "To conduct activities aimed at strengthening the turkey farmers' ability
to responsibly provide wholesome products, and to raise awareness about
the many health benefits associated with eating turkey." So in essence, they are basically saying "Yo Turkey- you're delicious. Sucks to be you especially in November." Approximately 46 million of you will die this year so that we might feast upon your savory flesh for this one day. Ben Franklin totally dropped the ball on getting you to be accepted as our national bird. You don't see people pulling up to the table to enjoy a juicy bald eagle at holidays.
So, dearest Turkeys of the land, I honor your sacrifice this holiday with a small tidbit of information: your ancient ancestors were able to survive a mass extinction 66 million years ago. That's right, fair turkeys. You are fucking dinosaurs. Maybe with enough gumption, next year instead of eating you on Thanksgiving, we could all be saying "Thank you for not eating us today turkey overlords!" All hail Gobble: The Succulent Conqueror.
HAIL!
Sincerely,
Me
