Dear Dryer~
I understand you have been employed as a "Garment De-moisturizer" for quite some time now, but I feel it is time for a performance evaluation...
Were I to be asked if you performed your job adequately and on budget, my answer would be a resounding no. While a bit chilly at night time, I believe the concrete slab of the patio attached to my abode could do a better job. As of this evening, it would be cheaper too. Your facade of being a working dryer was almost flawless. You took my money. You roared to life as I selected the setting. I left, resting assured you would function as promised. This contract we entered into was not done lightly. I had wet clothes, wet clothes that needed to be...well, not as wet obviously. And suddenly there you were! (which is not a surprise seeing as you weigh several hundred pounds and have not moved probably since the day you were installed, which by the looks of things was shortly after, if not the very day I was born.) Your alabaster face is not worn but slightly dirty from years of mistreatment. You've had so many strangers panties inside you I'm almost afraid to put in my now sopping wet clothes for fear of disease. Had I known you were a liar and a cheat, I would have taken my business elsewhere! Elsewhere, of course, being a foot away into your neighbor. But no, you fooled me with your grunts of motion and laughed as I opened the door to discover my wet laundry had become my cold wet laundry. Not only did you not do your job, you did the exact opposite of the only two things you are known for-heating and drying.
It is for these reasons I must ask for you to resign, or I will treat you as the printer from the movie "Office Space." I will then put a sign on your face reading "I am a liar! I won't work, will take your money, and leave you craving warmth." So foul dryer, you are like everyone's ex.
In the absence of love,
Me
