Dear Rupaul's Drag Race~
First, congratulations on your upcoming 7th season! Had I known you would make it this long I would have bought stock in sequins, hip pads and industrial strength make up remover, hunty. You introduced me to a whole new world for which I am grateful but I feel there are some things we need to clear up...
The Library is now open! *dons glasses*
You bring a whole new level to reality tv. Its past train wreck, past not-really-scripted-but-actually-super-scripted drama. You, my sweet, are grown up honey boo-boo who has to tuck. Throw on a truck load of glitter and bam! You've got award winning tv. There is enough fake hair on your contestants to shoot an entire race of Wookies for the new Star Wars film. There is enough padding to make floatation devices for an entire Carnival cruise ship. You show the picture of glamor every little girl dreams of but do not explain that its going to take a gallon of make up and a breast plate to get there. Oh and cardio... So. Much. Cardio. (The exceptions are your BBW queens like Jiggly Caliente, Latrice Royale, Mimi Imfurst and Darriene Lake) I think these queens deserve extra praise not for their ample bosom, but because they are gay men in dresses AND fat. Latrice and Jiggly are also not Caucasian so they are part of almost every group that is openly hated, condemned and bullied. Yet instead of the multiple struggles they face and overcome, the queens who are already pretty attractive as men are usually highlighted while the gloriously corpulent are rarely acknowledged. This is a travesty. I eagerly await the day that a super sized sexy siren will be named as the next drag superstar. Get on that pronto! And now some ABC's...
I must confess that you have taught me several things about myself (a heterosexual cisgendered woman)and most of them are not good. First, through your glorious teaching I have learned that were I to be a drag queen, I would have the unfortunate designation as a "booger." But on the plus side, I would be a champion "camp queen." I would not be "cheese cake" in the least. I'd rather be "dusty" than "crusty" or "fishy." I would need a fierce "fairy drag mother" to get me into shape before I could compete. This is not "kiki"- this is serious business! I did not know it was so brutal to "lipsync for your life." I have ample "padding" even if it's lumpy, disproportional and in the wrong place. I can "throw shade" for days but am sensitive enough to be devastated if I had to "sashay away." But since I'm not a drag queen, I am extremely saddened to know I can never be as beautiful and glamorous as a fabulous man in a dress can be.
The Library is now closed. *takes glasses off*
You make me wish I had drag queen skills. I want to be able to emphasize the good, cover up the bad, and be the comedy queen I know could be. Also, do you have a commercial sponsor for those chicken cutlets? Some of those men have way better ta ta's than I do. To all the fellow drag queen admirers I say be proud of your charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent. HALELOO! And to the haters? Get lost!
Bye girl bye!
Moi
